Understanding "good" versus "bad" behavior.
I'm not sure if my son understands what good versus bad behavior is. His school called us today saying that he was out of control and they were too short-handed to be able to deal with him (2 teachers were out sick), so dad had to go pick him up. But on the way home and for the rest of the day, our son kept laughing like it was all a joke. He's just that type of kid. Whenever we try to discipline him, he laughs and starts running around like it's a game.
I swear he's the epitome of this Gary Larson cartoon.
How do we get across to him that he needs to behave and when he doesn't, it isn't a laughing matter?
6 Answers
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There is a great book called "How to Discipline your strong-willed child." It basically says that your arguing, cajoling, bribing, and screaming just serves as entertainment You need to quietly but firmly say what you want your child to do and what the consequence will be if they don't listen. If they don't listen, you take action immediately. This way there is no drama, no joking and your child will know that when you say something you mean it. By no means is this easy---but with practice a habit begins and then can stay. So if your child won't pick up his toys you can say, Please pick up your toys. If you don't you will not get a story tonight." Then you need to follow through on your threat.The book has a lot more to offer than this. And I don't have it here because I loaned it out. But google the title and it should come up. Also, After consulting with a child behaviourist, he told me that when your child acts out, ask your child why he did something. then say. "Do you think that taking Anna's toy made her happy? no? So how do you think she felt? sad? So what would have been a better thing to do rather than grab her toy? Ask her for it? yes! That would have been a great idea. Much of acting out is wanting attention. Your screaming and cajoling in response to his bad behaviour gets your child immediate reactions and attention. So it is helpful to say what the consequence will be, and then stick to it. It is also helpful to ask your child how the other person feels and then enlist his help in figuring out what a better solution might have been. Hope this helps you a little.
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That reminds me of my oldest when she was younger, actually. She used to make timeouts into a game -- she'd come up with inventive ways of violating the spirit (or even the letter) of the timeout. Once we discovered her sitting in her timeout with a big grin and a large picture from high on the wall behind her on her lap. It was incredibly frustrating, and sometimes my wife and I found ourselves resorting to draconian punishments just in an effort to get through to her. Sometimes that worked after a fashion, but it's not exactly a long-term viable solution, not least because it tends to breed resentment -- and guilt, for that matter.
I don't know that we ever came up with a "solution," eventually I think she outgrew it... at least mostly. I think that in part it was because she was (and is) a very bright kid who knew she could get our goat. Partly it was a defense mechanism: to this day (she's nine) she has trouble showing contrition when she's done something wrong, and it's not because she doesn't feel it. Another issue is that she had then-undiagnosed ADHD. I honestly don't know how much of a role that played, and I'm certainly not suggesting that your kid has ADHD, but once she was diagnosed and we came up with a medication regime that worked some (but not all) of that incredibly frustrating disconnect between her behavior and the message we were trying to give her as parents faded.
I don't know if this is a terribly satisfying answer, especially since all I can really say is: persevere and try not to lose your temper... at least not too often!
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When I imagine in my head what you describe - parents looking super serious, kid laughing hysterically - it makes me wonder if the kid is trying to make light of the moment, get rid of the tension, because it makes him nervous / he doesn't know how to deal with it seriously.
I gather most kids like to see their parents happy. Sometimes first lies are just attempts to tell parents what the kid knows they want to hear, to make them happy. Could it be that he's hoping you'll laugh too?
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Saw this article in the NY Times today -- "The Moral Life of Babies" -- didn''t get through the entire article, but thought I'd pass it on:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/09/magazine/09babies-t.html
That was fascinating. There's a podcast that covers some of the same territory, but isn't focused just on morality: The Infant Brain.
- Jeremy, May 12, 2010
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Ugh, we are still dealing with "spirited" behavior at school. So much so that his school has strongly suggested we call in a child behaviorist, so that's what we are doing. Last resort is to switch schools but that is so disruptive - losing his friends and everything he is so familiar with - but it's something we have to consider.
I'm wondering if he needs more of a play based environment. The director at his current school thinks he needs *more* structure. Ack.
Don't be too down on structure. Two of my kids (the oldest, and one of the twins) really do need a certain amount of structure in their lives, and it comes out loud and clear in their behavior when they don't have it. The one twin can provide a lot of that structure for himself, but the other two have to have it provided for them or they lose all sense of what's appropriate when, they get tired and cranky all the time, and they constantly complain about how things don't go the way they expect them to (since their expectations are so confused). It's been hard at times for my wife and I to give them the structure they need since we don't tend to be all that structured naturally ourselves, but once we caught on and started making a concerted effort to do so their behavior (not to mention happiness) improved considerably. Or it did once the adjustment period was over, anyway.
- Jeremy, May 12, 2010
No, not down on structure at all. His current school is already quite structured and more geared as a prepatory school for kindergarton. I just had to consider the possibility that maybe we pushed him towards structure too soon. After all, he has 12 if not 16 or more years of schooling ahead of him, where there will plenty of structure. Maybe right now he just needs to play and get the wiggles out.
- aknitter, May 13, 2010
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Has anyone here used an "ignore bad behavior, reward good behavior" approach? Personally, I haven't experienced sustained success with it, but maybe that's because I wasn't consistent enough. Like others have mentioned already, being consistent is important but hard to do.
I definitely agree. We had already worked with a behaviorist once before about a year ago again to deal with our son and she reiterated the some points. Be consistent, be consistent, be consistent. Be soo consistent that your child should be able to predict the consequence. And I think our son does know what's going to happen. But it still doesn't seem to make a difference in his behavior.
- aknitter, May 13, 2010