How to keep the fire burning, after kids?
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Sex after having children is an important topic. Who has the time or energy after a full day? Kids are wonderful, but so is special time with your spouse. The best thing a parent can do for their child is to love their spouse.
Nov 24, 2009
7 Answers
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It depends on whether "keep the fire burning" is a problem of time or desire. If it's desire, well, things can ebb for a bit after the birth of a child. Just focus on each other, right? But if it's time, I recommend shows like Dora the Explorer. These shows follow such a reliable pattern that you can tell how much time you have from across the house. When you hear Dora shouting "Backpack!" you know you have about 12 minutes left, so hurry it up in there! If you can't be alone together when the show is broadcast, get TiVo or a DVD. It works!
Nov 24, 2009
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These are all great comments. I just wanted to relay a personal story. When our first child was 18 months old, my libido was so low I went to my doctor and then a counselor/therapist. I came to realize that I was resentful of my husband for not doing more around the house, and also we were not "connected" because we weren't spending time alone together. So I learned to ask for help when I wanted it (he always helps when asked) and I stopped being resentful. We also got someone to babysit once a week and we went out. The therapist said to do this for a few weeks with NO sex, so that the pressure is off.
Well, that all worked peachy. But I also tried going off the pill to see if there was a hormonal component to it. And guess what? More sex + going off pill = second child.
My other advice: don't beat yourselves up if it doesn't happen much during pregnancy; don't expect much while she's nursing; it's still going to be difficult while the kids are toddlers; but keep just enough fire burning and it will get better when they are 3 and up. Which will happen soon enough.
Nov 29, 2009
Anonymous
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With 3 little kids (the oldest just started Kindergarten) we are down to having sex only 1-2 times per week. We basically only have quickies at night though sometimes we'll both come home from work at lunch when we'll have a little more time.
Our rule of thumb is that if one of us wants sex and the other is at least neutral about it, we do it. I often tell him to come ready (hard), we strip off clothes, have sex, then shower for the next day. Beginning to end takes about 15 minutes (plus showering time, but we'd have that anyway). It isn't super romantic but right now everything in our lives is stripped down to the bare bones. I think it helps keep us connected in our crazy, overbusy lives.
It helps a lot that my husband does a lot around the house. If I had to do everything with the kids and the house on top of working, he wouldn't get laid nearly as often as he does.
Nov 27, 2009
Anonymous
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Great question!
I have two ideas, that I/we have yet to reliably put in place (doh!) :)
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regular date night, regular sitter - don't even think about it, just go. Go someplace you'd never bring the kids to. We haven't made this a regular thing yet, but when we do go out, our rule is no talking about the kids!
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rotating 3-way date night - same idea, but involves other couples. 2 couples get together and take all 3 family's worth of kids, they get to chat, and with 4 adults around and other kids to play with, manning the kids is easy! 3rd couple goes on a date. Next time, a different 2 couples stay home.
The last idea, that we mostly do do, is try and get the household chores & kid responsibilities taken care of in a reasonably fair way so that they're not a sore spot. Dishes in the sink - if it's hanging over the same person's head too much of the time - seems unconnected to love and romance, but sadly I think often ends up trumping it.
Nov 24, 2009
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The effects of pregnancy and childbirth can be pretty shocking for the woman's self image as well as the body down there. Guys, you might be a bit shocked, too, but please let your partners know that they're lovely even though they've changed. And forgive them for not having very many sexy thoughts.
Nov 27, 2009, edited Nov 27, 2009
Anonymous
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I'm completely unqualified to offer an answer to this question. Unfortunately, I also find nothing that may offer me some solution. Not only is my interest in sex mostly nonexistent, my husbands seems to be as well. I never would have imagined I'd not be entirely panicked to have a relationship with no sex, I always used to have a very healthy sexual appetite, but it doesn't seem to be as important as it used to be. My youngest is now 4. So it's not that I'm still nursing or recovering from childbirth.
Hormones, I have found, are HUGE in determining my mood regarding everything. So, perhaps it's time for a visit to the Dr. Still, finding it hard to scrape up the DESIRE to deal with it.
Feb 5, 2010
Anonymous
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I agree, it can be an issue of time and desire. The time issue is tricky when you have a child that barely naps and you are exhausted by the end of the day. Desire has a lot to do with hormones and mine seem to vary widely. My desire peaked when I was pregnant but now it is hard to recreate those cravings. Have you seen this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/29/magazine/29sex-t.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all
Dec 1, 2009
momofQ
San Mateo, CA
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