When to ignore versus correct?
So I've had this problem with my dog, and I have the same issue now with our son (currently 15 months old). In general (recognizing that every situation is different), when is it better to ignore behavior that you don't like versus to correct it? I've heard and read comments on both sides. If you ignore a behavior that you don't like, you are not giving them a reason to continue, so they will stop. However, how do they know that it's undesired behavior without feedback? Alternatively, if they are doing something you don't like, you should correct it (i.e., tell them that behavior is not acceptable, etc) -- however, I have also read that this can backfire because you are giving attention to that behavior and the child may do it more.
Anyway, thoughts on this issue would be appreciated....
3 Answers
-
I have usually tried correct by positive example rather than highlighting the negative. For example, if he throws his cup on the floor. I would not show any emotion regarding that. Oh, are you all done with your cup? Let's put it on the table. Then let him put it in the table and give lots of praise when he does. When my son was that age, he was very open to suggestions and very happy to please. (Can't say the same now but at least some of those things have developed into habits!)
-
I separate unwanted behavior into categories, so to speak. There's purely childish behavior - often inappropriate, annoying, irritating - and that, I ignore. Depending on how bad it is, or how long we've been dealing with it, I might even 'withdraw' attention from the child at that point. In other words, stop whatever game we're playing, or stop talking and change to another activity. Soon enough he'll realize that his behavior yields the opposite response of what he wants, and he'll stop. In the meantime, it's just childish behavior, and he's a child.
If the behavior is disobedient or destructive - to him, to others, to relationships - I correct it.
As parents our job is to teach our children not just to survive, but to interact properly in a confusing world. That means using appropriate signals to teach behavior and attitudes that are socially acceptable, and allowing them to experience the more subtle non-verbal signals that will help them interact in social situations.
-
With our 17 month old, it seems like verbal corrections are nearly pointless. I can remember telling my son at that age to keep his hand away from an outlet, and he'd look at me, arm outstretched, smile and reach to touch it again. These days, my 17 mos old daughter likes to put her feet on the table at the end of every meal. We say - much like sweethi - "oh, it looks like you're done eating now" and slide her chair back from the table.
Love and Logic - if I understand correctly - suggests singing an "uh-oh" song for very young children, and then physically correcting the situation - or involving them in the correction. So, in sweethi's example, the parent's response above might be preceeded by a "uh-oh" song, and then after the "you're done with your cup?..." bit, followed by getting the child to help clean up the spill (if any). In theory, the child then learns to cue into the uh-oh, know it's going to be followed by a correction, and might begin to correct it themselves.
Mostly, I've been interpreting suggests to "ignore behavior" as either "pick your battles" (if you don't really care about it, let the kid have some freedom) or, like sweethi said, don't give the child your negative emotion as a reward (respond dispassionately, but reliably).
Nice answer! I like that "destructive" vs "childish" breakdown...
- andrea, Jun 30, 2010