What ways do you punish your kids for lying?
"Punish" is maybe the wrong word. How do you react? How do you communicate to them that lying is wrong? What if they protest or try to argue back?
Our kids aren't to the lying phase yet, but I've certainly interacted with older kids in many situations where they bend the truth, or explicitly cover up some bad behavior, and I've yet to figure out how I'll react to my own kids when we get to this stage...
3 Answers
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I was struck by the chapter on lying in the book "NurtureShock" (an interesting read, by the way).
Kids lie to avoid punishment (i.e. their parents' displeasure), and will go to great extremes to lie because they associate the truth in those cases with the more painful outcome. The typical parent reaction to knowing this (including me) is well, if I don't discipline my kids for doing something wrong they'll take advantage of me. Honestly, I don't know how to respond to that.
But I was extremely curious to find out if I could get my oldest son to tell the truth more if I didn't punish him for it. To make my case clear, I planned to praise him for telling the truth even though it was something that would normally make me upset.
I found the right scenario when I started finding pee on the floor around the toilet. After checking the plumbing, I knew my son was peeing outside the toilet. But no matter how many times I directly asked him about it, he completely denied it. Finally, I told him I wouldn't be angry and he wouldn't be punished if he did do it, but it was important for him to tell the truth.
After hesitating, he said he did do it. I was so amazed that he actually admitted the truth.
It was hard not to get upset, but after asking him a few more questions I learned he was intentionally peeing outside the toilet because "it was fun." I explained all the reasons why it wasn't a good idea and he agreed not to do it again.
He's kept his word so far. :)
Hmm, I'd always heard that while positive reinforcement by itself is better than negative by itself, a combination is better than either alone.
For myself, lying was always a Big Deal growing up, and I always knew that whatever I'd done, it'd be much worse if I lied about it. And I remember a few times being surprised at how little trouble I was in when I did something wrong and didn't lie about it -- I don't know if that's positive reinforcement or not, but it felt like a positive at the time. ;)
With my own kids it's more of a struggle; this is one area where my wife and I were raised quite differently and have different expectations. But we have agreed that lying is a big deal (if not quite the deal it was for me as a kid), and lying definitely merits punishment.
More theoretically, I think telling the truth is a sign of taking responsibility for ones actions, and as a result merits a less severe punishment than would ordinarily apply. So it's not as if there's a particular punishment for lying, it's more that (a) you make it clear to the kid that telling the truth is important and (b) telling the truth or lying makes whatever the consequence would ordinarily be less or more severe.
- Jeremy, Jul 26, 2010
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We just recently read the story of Pinnochio to our son and it seemed to really resonate with him. The other day my husband was talking to our son about not throwing fits at Grandma's house and son said he wouldn't. Hubby said, "Do you promise not to throw a fit because if you do, you'll be a liar." And son's fearful reaction was, "And the blue fairy will come and I will get a big nose and donkey ears?!?!?" Hubby was surprised at the association, but went along with it. Since then, our son has been amazingly well behaved.
I feel somewhat bad using the threat of a long nose and donkey ears, but it's really working. As is the threat that if son doesn't brush his teeth then his teeth will fall out.
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I suppose age dictates the appropriate punishment here. I can't recall what I did to get these punishments or at what age, but these obviously stuck with me into my adult years and there is a high probability I'll find myself applying the same:
- Writing an apology letter and reading it aloud to the family.
- Lectures from Dad. Man, he could go on for decades! Especially for lying, he would tell you the story of "The boy who cried wolf". I think this would be a great start for younger children.
- Having privileges taken away (TV, time with friends, etc.)
I agree with Jason's assessment here... studies in psychology taught me that positive reinforcement is the most effective tactic to induce or repeat a behavior (in your case, telling the truth). Negative reinforcement isn't as effective and punishments are definitely the least effective tactic to stopping or starting a particular behavior.
I find it funny that I just remember the punishments. Perhaps I should rethink the "i'll likely use the same" mentality! Yikes!
- Erin, Jul 13, 2010