What is a good age difference between siblings?
Not that parents always have a lot of choice in this, but I'm curious to hear what people think is a good age difference. Our daughter is 10 months now, and she is what you might call a happy, but high energy child.
8 Answers
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There is no right answer to that! One thing to keep in mind is that having your second child is a HUGE change. It WILL affect your first child no matter how you try to not let it. When I was pregnant with #2, parents told me that going from 1 kid to 2 is a bigger difference than 0 to 1. I don't know about that, but it is certainly significant.
My three kids are 2 1/2 years apart and 3 years apart. They do play together -- the first two especially (even opposite genders). At age 3, the oldest will be developing more independence and that really helps you. A three year old is also old enough that you may find it more reasonable to expect them to wait while you take care of the baby.
Having them 2 years apart or closer makes it more likely that they will be playmates, but you will need to be a referee a lot! They may also be competitive, which is hard on the younger one. And during the first couple years, it will be really hard work to have two kids that young. But that time is short compared to a lifetime of closeness. And having them close together helps parents because it is sooner until mom can go back to work, if she is staying home now. And it is easier to find family activities & vacations that are age-appropriate for both.
Having them 4 years apart or more may make it easier on the elder child, who may be old enough to feel helpful, not displaced. It also gives them separate turns to be the little one, getting mom and dad's attention.
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Ours are 20 months apart (older boy, younger girl). Our son is currently 2 1/2 years old, and our daughter is 10 months.
So, how is it? It's pretty hard, but it feels like it's getting easier. We haven't had any huge sibling rivalry issues (yet!), but at the same time, we moved from a world where our son was able to play alone for reasonable stretches of time, to a world where his younger sister wants to be with him and play, and he's not so happy about that, and it requires near constant supervision.
Mealtimes are tough too -- they both need a lot of help and attention, and if we want to try to have an adult conversation, then both sense it and start to act out a little bit. They also seem to feed on each other's mood and energy, so if one is fussy / needy, then the other picks up on that and ends up that way as well. Maybe this is a form of rivalry or jealousy as well.
I wouldn't at all say it was harder than going from 0 to 1. With our second, the first 6 months just flew by, and I can remember this being an excruciatingly long time with our first. Time is now flying by, and we have a very busy household most of the time.
The other thing to think about is the strain on your relationship with your spouse -- with 2 kids, you move from "2 on 1" to either "1 on 1" or "1 on 2". With "1 on 1", then you don't ever get any adult conversation, and it feels sort of like you're living separate lives. With "2 on 1", then one adult gets a little break, but the other burns out pretty quickly and inevitably needs time to recuperate.
We read something that said that the best age differences are "less than 2 years" and "more than 4 years" but I find this kind of advice rigid and not really helpful, at best.
If you feel like you have the time, then I would wait until you really feel like your first is "manageable". For example, being able to reliably feed themselves at mealtime, change their own clothes, play unattended for long stretches, be potty trained, etc. All of this would make dealing with the young one a lot easier.
But, I'm still really looking forward to the time when they're 2yrs and 3yrs. I can already see that they'll have a great relationship, and it'll be really special for both of them.
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My two are 14 months apart- I never would have planned it that way, but have learned to like it! I actually cannot imagine having any more kids because they would not share the close bond and timing.
Now that they are 7 and 8, we love that they are friends, have similar developmental likes/dislikes, are just one grade apart in school and when we go out on bike rides, for a hike, to an amusement park, museum etc... they both have the same capabilities. Believe me, it has not all been great. When they were infants and toddlers it took a huge toll on my energy, patience, sleep and more. It is only more recently that I can actually say that it is a "good thing" to have them this close.
I do not think that you can ever anticipate or plan for the "best time", it is all about your abiliy to cope with the situations you encounter. We all know that the little ones will turn your world upside down, no matter when they arrive!
We have friends who have kids up to 5 years apart. I am sure that they too can share the virtues. What I notice though, is that with the further age difference, they are always a divided family. Each parent takes a child in a different direction since they do not like the same rides, sports, playgrounds, attractions, exhibits etc... It seems harder for them to enjoy a "Family" experience since they are always pulled in different directions.
My brother and I are almost 5 years apart. I loved being the "little Mommy" but later could not be bothered with him most of the time since he was so much younger. It has not been until Adulthood that I think we have become friends.
No matter what you decide, having more than one child and giving your child a sibling is a huge gift!
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It all depends on how much and what kind of chaos/disruption you can tolerate. We spaced ours out 3.5 years because I knew there was no way I could deal with two really little ones waking up during the night. This is because I am someone who does not deal with sleep deprivation well at all, and that infant year is really hard on me. By the time the older one was nearing 3, she could be reasoned with and told to go back to sleep with minimal fuss, so that was a big deal for us.
The fact that I was/am the main at-home parent factored heavily into the decision...my sanity needs as much preservation as possible!
They do seem to play together pretty well right now, despite the age and gender difference, which is a pleasant surprise.
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My kids are age 4 and age 2, both with September birthdays, so almost exactly 2 years apart. I think it's a really good age difference NOW, but there were some difficulties before. When Sophie was a newborn, Sammy was 2, and in the height of the terrible 2s. He had trouble sleeping, and of course the newborn did too, so there were many sleepless nights. There wasn't much downtime since both were so needy. At age 3 and 1, they both napped at different times. They both wanted different foods. But now at 4 and 2, they get along better and can communicate with each other. The main thing is, though, that the above would probably have been true with a 1 year gap or a 3 year gap.
I'm personally the oldest of five. My youngest brother was born 13 years after me. Growing up I hardly really knew him -- and when he was really becoming a person, I was in college. That felt like too big a gap.
