Birthday gift etiquette

  • 0 votes

    When our daughter turned 3 we invited her friends from preschool and other play groups at home with their parents. They all brought beautiful presents. Now that these kids are also turning 3 we are getting a chance to bring them beautiful gifts too. But there are 2 situations when it is hard to reciprocate:

    - the invitation says "no gifts"

    - we can't go to the birthday party

    What to do in these situations? Should we find a way to give a present anyway? (I guess I'd like to: I would feel less like I owe them. But is a gift expected?) And when should we give the present: during the "no-gift" party or later? Before or after the missed party? Or next time they invite us again?

    • Kids:
    • 3
    Estelle

    Mountain View, CA

4 Answers

  • 0 votes

    If an invitation says "no gifts," that should be respected, in my opinion.  My wife and I haven't yet had a birthday party for our kids that we invited their friends to, and part of the reason for that (other than just not having our act together) is that we don't want to focus on the consumer culture aspect of the party.  If we were to have a party it would definitely be "no gifts," but when we've talked about it we worried that some parents would give gifts anyway. If they did we're worried that we'd seem rude by rejecting it, or make other parents feel bad if they knew we accepted gifts from some parents.

    If you can't go to the party, that's a different issue.  As far as I know there's no clear etiquette either way.

    • Jul 30, 2010

    Jeremy

    WI

    Hi Jeremy,

    I totally understand your dilemma. I guess this is why we decided to not specify "no gifts". When I go to a "no-gift" party, either I feel bad because I didn't bring anything and other parents did, or I feel bad because I did bring something and didn't respect the hosts' wish. If people bring our kids a gift I know I can give one back and feel good about it... Well... If I have an occasion to give one back! Hence my question. It would be easier if there was a clear rule.

    Another way to think about it is that we provided a fun party, lots of food (we cooked lunch for everyone), favors... So maybe we can think that this is how we compensated for the gifts?

    I'm just not sure what's expected, what's rude and what's over the top...

    - Estelle, Jul 30, 2010
  • 0 votes

    I'm sympathetic. I think the problem is a clash of two etiquettes - the gift-giving birthday party (traditional) with the no-gifts birthday party (non-traditional). If we all picked one, it would be easier, but that's not likely to happen. The way it is, I think both offer a chance to teach my child something - one about picking out and giving a gift for someone else, and the other about not dwelling on stuff.

    Re the latter - we chose to have no-gifts party because, like Jeremy, we wanted to focus on the event and the friends rather than the stuff. And our kids still seem to get overwhelmed by more than one or two toys anyway, so more than that seems to get lost in the shuffle - which seems unfortunate and unfair to the other families who spent such time and thought and money finding a gift. Plus, a purely selfish reason, we seem to constantly have more 'stuff', particularly kid stuff, accumulating in our house than we need / want.

    I think from a gift-giving perspective, the gift is somewhat the "thank you" for the party - like we're all contributing a bit for the merriment of all - so if you don't attend a party there is no expectation that you will give a gift. If the party is a "no gifts" party, then you can rest assured (in my opinion) that you're doing the family a favor by not bringing a gift. You've already given a gift, in that sense, just by coming, and even more by coming giftless :)

    • 5 weeks ago

    andrea
    both so cute, & so tiring!

    mountain view, ca

    Thanks, Andrea. What I understand from your answer is that each party should be "self-contained" (the gift or absence of gift is how we honor and thank the host for the party, if we attend). I like that.

    I have to point out, though, that both types of parties have the potential to focus on the event and the friends rather than the stuff. Receiving a gift from a friend on a special occasion doesn't have to be a lesson of consumerism and dwelling on stuff. Those are two distinct concepts.

    - Estelle, 5 weeks ago

    Estelle, good point. As a child, I certainly enjoyed the other children and the party, independent from the gifts.

    - andrea, 4 weeks ago
  • 0 votes

    If the invitation says 'no gifts,' I too would respect the parents wishes and not bring a gift.  One way to get over the discomfort of having received a gift from this family when you held a party would be to go on a separate playdate, just your family and theirs, and treat for something - the movie tickets, ice cream, a train or carousel ride.  Don't specify that this is in exchange for the fact that you couldn't reciprocate a b'day gift.  (In your heart, you'll know it is but they don't have to know that. <grin>)

    As for not attending the party, you are not obligated to send a gift if you cannot attend.  Again, if this child came to your child's party and you want to reciprocate, do a separate outing another time.

    • 5 weeks ago

    Alana
    1 baby, many ?s

    Cupertino, CA

    Hi Alana, I like your idea of finding other ways and other occasions to reciprocate. I think I've been doing it unconsciously. Now I'll do it on purpose ;-)

    - Estelle, 5 weeks ago
  • 0 votes

    I admit it :  I'm old fashioned. Old School. Why?  I've experienced the current idea of what a kids party is ( and has to be ? ) these days.

    To me, a party is when the  child invites a small number of  friends to a small event. There is 1:1 interaction with the honoree. Perhaps there is a shared meal, some fun activities, and of course, the birthday cake with candles and singing. Gifts or not --- the honoree is aware that it is his or her " special day". The guests share in the occasion and everyone is happy.  This is probably more work for the parents of the birthday child, but its more party and less showtime.

    What a party is not? :  a gazillion kids and perhaps a gazillion parents attending a staged " event". Its a free for all with guests doing their own thing at the event-- even though there might be organized activities. There are so many attendees that the honoree gets lost in the crowd and everyone is more  caught up in " the event" than in the birthday child. These party " events" might be fun, but in the end, its just another outing and the purpose of the party gets lost. Sure, there might be cake and candles, but the the emphasis of shared celebration has been lost to the staging of a " can you top this"? party blowout.

    Give me a carefully planned small party anytime. Never mind what other kids or parents might say about it !  Make it  unique and special -- tailor made to fit the birthday child. Keep the party small enough for authentic and genuine shared fun with the birthday honoree.  

    As to gifts. I am in favor of gifts. Gifts present a teachable moment.  Gift giving and receiving needs to be taught and learned. This  is a valuable lifetime social lesson for both the giver and the  receiver. It trains respect, gratitude, and graciousness. Small birthday parties are a perfect occasion for this.  Haven't we all received gifts we didn't like? How do we teach children to handle this?  Haven't we all known children who have a major meltdown at a party because they don't want to give away the gift they brought --- or the guests tantrum because they want to take home the gifts for themselves? Party etiquette is one of the social graces that everyone can use.  I am in favor of gifts -- and they don't have to be extravagant or pricey. A small token, exchanged  with generosity and happiness is wonderful.  Gifts should not be a competition for greediness.

    Small party, few gifts = less greediness, less consumerism, feeling less overwhelmed -- but a high concentration of birthday joy.

    I'm probably in the minority in my opinion of kids parties and gift giving, but long years of party going experience have definitely given me food for thought.   Good luck with how you handle birthday parties in your family !

    • 4 weeks ago, edited 4 weeks ago

    Anonymous



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