Separation Anxiety in a 20 month old?

0 votes

My 20 month old daughter has recently begun having severe separation anxiety with anyone who is not her parents, even with - say - her childcare provider who has looked after her for most of her life. She'll be fine, but as soon as we try to say "time to say goodbye, big hug, we'll see you very soon!", she'll become clingy, try to be picked up, not be put down, and say "No hug!" (as in "no goodbye").

A couple of things have changed recently. She just started preschool part-time in the mornings, and I've just started spending more weekday hours with her - so her new schedule probably appears to her to be unpredictable. She's also an age she's never been before (duh!)

Any suggestions on what to do? I've learned I can spend about 45 min on the transition and escape without her crying. Or I can leave quickly and I'm told she cries hard for a couple of minutes and then is fine.

Anonymous

Oct 8, 2010

1 Answers

  • 0 votes

    I think you've really answered your own question -- you have the choice of the long but tear-free way or the short way with some amount of tears.

    Both of my kids (now 5 and 3) went through this, and honestly the second option you list is what we ended up doing.

    We would just say, "Mommy/Daddy has to go now, sweetie. I know you're upset, but I do have to go. I will come back in three hours. So-and-so-here will look after you and keep you safe. I love you. See you in three hours. Be good!"

    Then you leave. The crying will happen, but the more you do this (especially with the coming back when you say part) the more your child will get used to it, and the shorter the tears will last.

    For date night we used to get all kinds of tantrums -- even with a childcare provider our kids have known and trusted for years. They would say how much they hated us going out and how much they didn't like the babysitter (even though they actually really like her). We tried all kinds of things. Ultimately the quick separation and not making a big production of it was the best solution in the long run.

    Rip that bandage off! It hurts, but then it's over.

    Good luck!

    Thanks for this. It's nice to know we're not the only ones getting opposition on date night. I think you're right about forming routines, so at least the less pleasant but necessary things in life are predictable.

    - andrea, Oct 13, 2010
    Stephen M.

    Father of two (Sammy, 5, and Sophie, 3)
    Mountain View, CA

    Oct 12, 2010



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