Unfair treatment of me and my sister by my parents
I just found out that my parents are paying for my nephew's preschool. I have two kids in preschool (and one that finished up last year) and my parents haven't ever offered to pay for anything for them. I find I'm fairly bitter about this.
We are living off savings right now. I understand that we are lucky to have savings, but my sister could too if she and her husband didn't blow through every penny that came into their hands with fancy vacations, cars, remodeling their house, etc.
Can anyone offer some perspective on this?
Anonymous
Nov 27, 2009
2 Answers
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1 votes
I totally agree with the previous comment about not making yourself bitter. I do, however, take some exception with the tone of the last comment with regard to "parent issues and faults".
For many parents, it is a difficult to take the "tough love", darwinistic approach with their kids, even when their kids are well into adulthood -- and more so when their children are parents. It is easy to say you'll be tough but so much more difficult to do. From one perspective, parents can been seen as unfairly ignoring one sibling in favor of another. From another, it can possibly be seen as a parent providing help to one of their children that can't really take care of themselves, knowing that their other children are more than capable of coping/handling.
Perhaps from your parents perspective, they know that you are capable of providing a good home for your kids, including managing the sacrifices needed to provide them the education you believe they need. Your parents, just like you, may see the importance of an early education but acknowledge, due to poor money management skills, your sister cannot provide for your nephew. Your parents may have have wanted to ensure that your nephew, their grandchild, has the same early education advantages that you believe in and provide for your children even when their own daughter cannot do so.
Hopefully, your nephew someday will understand that Grandma & Grandpa stepped in to help him and his family (when his parent couldn't) vs. a primer for "how to take advantage of a situation". Same goes for everyone else, including you and your children.
Also, perhaps your parents are treating you as a responsible, well adjusted adult who is capable of managing her family (emotionally and financially) while feeling like they still need to address your sister as if she was still a child. They know you can take care of yourself and provide for your kids without their financial help.
Are your parent involved elsewhere in your lives ? Playing with the kids ? Outtings ? Focus on what is good and what your parents can provide. My parents (just like me) have their failings but I want to be part of the good they can provide. I may get frustrated about what they say or do, but they are who they are and I don't think that they are being intentional or malicious when they do the things I don't like. Someday soon, they are not going to be around (my parents are in their 80s) and I won't have them to directly draw upon.
Only you, however, can determine if the actions taken by your parents were malicious and a slight towards you. And only you can change your expectations and accepts what your parents can give, as well as not give, to you ($$$ or emotionally).
Anonymous
Nov 29, 2009
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0 votes
Parents. You grow up thinking that they uphold all the values they want you to uphold, like fairness and honesty and such. You could not be more wrong. I grew up with all kinds of unfair treatment between me and my brother. It was much the same - his inability to save money or to spend it wisely was met with lenience and open wallets. It probably happens to some degree a lot.
All I can say, is do not let yourself become bitter. Be angry. Be mad. Be upset. But do not become bitter. Bitterness is isolating - it becomes a you're against me or with me thing. With bitterness others cannot empathize, you force them to take sides (never a great idea). And bitterness is not constructive - it leads to no action that makes it better. It just wants to become deeper and darker and bitterer. And once you're in the mindset, you'll find plenty of things to be bitter about. Also, it is not contained within you, it will likely influence and utterly confuse the relationships your children have with you and their extended family.
Finally, think of it this way. Your nephew is the innocent one. Your parents likely have had their faults in this, and continue to do so. Your sibling is making mistakes and abusing the situation, to their advantage. But your nephew - it would hardly be fair that he should suffer the lack of the formative experience of preschool because his parents can't manage their money? So your parents are doing the right thing but likely for the wrong reasons. The world could be worse off. Be grateful that you are setting your kids a good example, and continue to show them what emotional maturity looks like. Good luck.
Anonymous
Nov 27, 2009
