Eliminating whining
Whining, they say, peaks at 4 years. Our son is 3 3/4. My husband and I are ready for it to be over.
So we tried this weekend to institute a new rule. ("Rules" are great right now because my son has become quite the rule-maker and rule-follower for whatever reason.) Our new rule is that whining = automatic no. Not "please use a nicer voice", not "do you hear that tone you're using?", not "can you ask nicely?", just "I'm sorry, that was a whiny voice so the answer is no."
It sounded good on paper. Was good when we broached the topic with our son, he seemed to get it, understand why, etc. Seems not to be panning out so well in practice. Last night:
Him (whining just a bit): But I want to read the other book.
Me: I know, but it's your sister's turn to pick. We'll read the one you want next.
Him (escalating): No, this one! Now!
Me: I'm sorry, you're whining and remember our new rule? That's an automatic no. I'm putting that book away now, we'll read it tomorrow.
Him (wailing): But I wanted that one. (now crying)
Husband (enforcing an older policy aimed at not rewarding tantrums): If you want to cry, please leave the room. If you want to stay and listen to the story, please stay.
Son leaves the room, cries loudly in another room for maybe 5 min. Comes back in to hear the end of the story we're reading, is sad anew to miss the part of the story he missed.
This whole situation makes me sad. He's whining to get attention as well as the thing he wants. We deny him the thing he wants, as well as the attention, his sadness escalates, and we deny him our attention while he's sad. I'd like to have connection and conversation in our home without the whining, but I find myself wondering is this a good thing to be doing? Is there a better way?
4 Answers
-
I'd go a step further than simply saying frustrated, and go all the way to ready-to-strangle! It's so bad (the whining) that recently after a 2 week vacation in Mexico, I was ready to get back to work and get away from all of the tantrums and whining. Worse yet, our younger daughter (2) is starting to pick up the behavior as well...early indeed!
Like Stephen M., I think that what we've implemented has lost it's way from time to time. I think consistency for parenting is the number one required parental behavior, and the hardest one as well. I've read this at a number of sites as well as heard this from the various behaviorists and therapists we've had over the years.
My opinion is that removal from the behavior is the best thing to do...and it works. For Zac, we simply send him to his room. It does indeed escalate things, but only the first few times. After being consistent, just a gentle reminder that whining will end him in his room brings it to an almost immediate halt. Again, consistency is key and losing your way from time to time will most likely come with set-backs.
I spoke with Zac's teacher (Pre-School) today and asked how they handled whining and tantrums with my son. I was appalled that they don't have the issues we have at home and that these behaviors are reserved for mom and dad. How special!! (sarcasm)
Anyhow, stick to your guns andrea! Try it for at least 6 weeks.
As I always say in parenting, there are really only two rules (and two pieces of advice I give out):
- There is nothing you can do which therapy cannot undo!
- Do what comes naturally, you can't mess this up.
If you use these two principals, try out what works for you and your child...but really give it a shot. Nothing you will do to change your child will come without some impact on you, the parent. Hang in there, we all go through it!
-
I think what you're doing makes sense and will work, but it will take time for your son to learn the implications of whining and adjust his behavior. You just have to stay firm!
We do something not quite as strict as your practice: I do a broken record technique, saying, "Boys and girls who whine get nothing." I repeat it until they stop whining.
I have said it so often that they sometimes now say it to each other if one is whining and the other notices.
Since absolutely nothing happens until the whining stops, I've noticed that over time the whining lasts a bit less, but I'm still working on reducing the overall amount. Since my son is 5, I'd have to say that 4 may not be the peak for everyone!
I screw up sometimes and listen or give in to a whine, which I think sets me back. I have to be more consistent about never giving in to whining and always using the phrase.
-
As a former teacher and grandmother of nine I offer the following suggestion: Frequently it helps for children to be read fun-stories that illustrate the unpleasantness of bad behavior and ways to correct it. For instance, sometimes children don’t understand how annoying the sound of whining can be. "Peter and the Whimper-Whineys" by Sherrill S. Cannon is a story of a little rabbit who does nothing but whine. This rhyming book should be read with alternating normal voice and whining voice, according to the character speaking. Children learn that Whimper-Whineyland is not a fun place to be, not just for all the whining and crying that goes on but for all the other bad behavior and unpleasant character traits exemplified!!! My just-turned-three year old grandson loves the book, and repeats “no more whining, no more crying!” I hope that this book might help your child as well as it has helped my children and grandchildren
-
I agree that all of the above answers have degrees of merit. Consistency can't be stressed enough. A calm " detached" voice should be used. Also -- I am a firm believer that over explaining and " reasoning" ( using too many words ) by the parent is always detrimental. Kids only need a few direct words to understand things. " Stop whining" or " no whining" should do it. Then -- mechanically ( and silently) move into action with the consequence, whatever that is, such as ignoring, removing from the situation, moving away from the child etc. Consistency, short commands, and action should help teach the kid over time that he/she will get no benefit from the whining, tantrumming etc.
