Saying No Too Much
About a 6 mos ago I watched some parenting documentary (the name slips my mind). I don't watch many of these cause I prefer to figure out what works for my children on my own and tailor things for them specifically. With that in mind, I research a few things from time to time and pick out what I like best.
One of the big take-homes for me was saying "no" too much. I (perhaps my wife, but I'll let her speak for herself) definitely got stuck in the "no" trap, saying no to things before the question ended.
The take-home was (paraphrasing) "why not?". This was huge for me I'm not sure why, but it was. In the last 6 mos I try to listen more and say no less. I don't give in to things like "Can I have cookies for dinner?", but instead say "I'll give you cookies with dinner". The old rule of dinner followed by dessert...why not change it up? Indeed that sort of works, a bit of sandwich followed by a bite of cookie. It actually works pretty good, not perfect, but it helps.
What's next? What other traps to parents fall in to? What other techniques do you use to get beyond them?
2 Answers
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BK - this seems like a great idea. Mix it up with "why not?" - why not?!
I've noticed that sometimes we can get into a spiral of "no", test new limit, "no", test new limit etc. Everyone spirals up in frustration with each cycle, which then drives the other higher still. In these situations, where one is repeatedly pushing the other's buttons, someone needs to break the cycle by doing something different that breaks the pattern. Seems to that "why not" cuts off the feedback loop, so looking for things to not care about / not take a stand on is a win.
I've been trying the why not idea out this week, with good success (when I remember to use it ;)
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No more "no" has really worked for us. Before I started saying "yes" more often, my 2-year old would throw a tantrum in advance of being denied whatever she was asking for - even if I was planning on saying "yes"! I've noticed that the days I allow her to choose her activities, what to wear, how long we do something or what route to take on a walk end up being the days she is best-behaved and goes along with the instructions that I do give her. Plus, she doesn't seem so hell bent on what she had in mind when she realizes that she can have it!
As adults (I'm including myself), I think we often underestimate our children and overlook the fact they they are just as intelligent as we are, but without the advantage of experience to guide their actions. How would we like it if someone told us "no" at every turn even if there was no real need for refusal of our request? Would it really kill her if she ate only tomatoes for lunch or if she watched an extra episode of Sesame Street?
In our house, I've started to think about all the rules we impose and try to see them for what they are: not be all and end all or life or death, but guidelines for healthy living. If we need to bend them when they're getting in the way of our happiness, "why not"?!
To answer your question about other traps, I've found that too much rigid planning also gets in the way of our family's happiness. Being flexible about changing plans and expectations is so necessary to survive the daily ups and downs, but I often forget and hold on to my fixed idea about how something should go and end up frustrated with everyone and myself. Everytime I get into this mess, I smile and yell, "It's OK!" and it helps get us back on track!
