How do I balance a bashful temperament with lessons in courage?
I often find myself in situations with my 3.5 year old son where he begs me to speak on his behalf (e.g., he wants to play with someone else's toy at the park, he wants a glass of water at a friend's house, he wants the babysitter to change the channel before I leave.)
Where do I draw the line? His temperament is naturally reserved and sensitive, but at some point he needs to learn to speak up for himself. If I encourage him to speak up for himself or refuse to ask for him, he has a meltdown. If I speak for him, he learns that Mommy will do it for him. I'm conflicted between feelings of "rescuing him" such that he'll never learn or experiment with being courageous vs. being available for him while he is still too young to adapt his temperament to the world (a skill that comes with time and maturity....after all, he's only 3.5.)
My current strategy is to offer to go with him and help him break the ice. It works sometimes. What do you do? When should I expect him to speak for himself?
2 Answers
-
I think this is one of those situations where he just needs to do it successfully a few times in order to get used to it and more comfortable. Is there a way you can set up a reward system?
I'd start with the babysitter, since she can be made aware of it and help reward your son for speaking up for himself.
-
I sure do sympathize! This is something that I worried about for years with my oldest daughter (who's now 19). I tried everything over the years including having her practice in safe situations and even forms of negative reinforcement (such as telling her she could get a treat at the snack bar only if she could order for herself - she never would). This behavior persisted through middle school and brought about some truly embarrassing situations where I would try very hard not to jump in and rescue her, but sometimes there was no choice. The good news is that now she's a poised, articulate young woman, capable of navigating the world on her own. I think it was probably the influence of her peers in high school that largely brought about the change. I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with it. ;)
Several of my children are just shy by nature, which can be difficult for me because I'm NOT shy. I think we can teach our children some coping mechanisms and some tricks, but ultimately we can't change some aspects of their basic nature. I think the best thing is to be encouraging & supportive and reassure yourself that your son will figure out how to speak for himself eventually. Don't worry about jumping in to save him from time to time. Kids learn these things in their own time. I hope this helps.
