How to prevent "contrarianism" between siblings?
We have 2 kids, who are aged 4.5 and 2.5.
As you can imagine, they will take opposite sides of virtually any argument, almost 100% of the time. What this means is that almost decision involves some conflict with one sibling or the other, even for things that should be smooth and easy. I don't think that they're truly vested in their own arguments, I think they really just want to be the contrarian to their sibling.
Are there any techniques that can help this behavior?
3 Answers
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Right now we are spending a small fortune to find out this very thing. Stay tuned. I'll let you know if I find a good answer.
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I think you are right-- the kids are not truly vested in their own arguments. This is a developmental stage that they are passing through. However -- it has the potential for a childhood of rivalry and jealousy ( that may pass into adulthood ?) if its not handled properly. I'm sure you're already experimenting with various ways to diffuse the contrariness.
When intervention is needed there are probably several options to consider. You can physically remove one child from the confrontation. You can remove the " offending" item -- if the argument is over an item such as a book, or a plate of grapes. You can even remove the item and the child if that is necessary!. If you couple these actions with a short phrase like " you need to stop arguing about the xxx", or " stop arguing", or " we don't argue in our house". If they are arguing about something like getting into the car first, or setting the table, you can say something like " ok. We won't leave now because you are arguing. Then YOU walk into the house and sit down." Or -- OK. We won't eat now because you are arguing. Then YOU leave the kitchen and stop dinner preparations. The point is that you won't do xxx until the arguing stops.
Lecturing and reasoning probably won't be very useful for the age group you are dealing with. Remember -- your kids are ( learning?) experimenting with how to exert themselves and voice an opinion.
That being said, your parental wisdom is going to be needed when you have to discern that what your kids are doing is a developmental step verses a negative behavior which might impact future relationships within the family. If the contrary behavior is not grown out of or solved with parental help, you could be in for many years of sibling nastiness !
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Our kids are roughly same gender and same age as yours, but maybe slightly bigger age gap. Right now they are trying hard to be contrary to us and thankfully less contrary towards each other. The biggest problem we have is them arguing over toys, which is more a problem with sharing? I try to remove the object or them from the cause, like Suzanne, so neither gets it.
For other things, we try to make simple rules so that we can easily resolve the arguing without it seeming like we're taking sides. A big thing right now is who gets to open the door when we're leaving the house which can quickly dissolve into screaming and tears even if we offer to close the door again so both can have a turn opening. So now, whoever is ready first gets first dibs at opening the door (still results in tears for the other person but less arguing).
If you're needing their input to make a decision, I've seen the following approaches being taken by other parents which may or may not work for their ages: (in no particular order)
- Democratic family vote
- Have them whisper their decision to you so they can't just be contrary to the other
- Say, you guys agree or Mommy/Daddy gets to decide. Give them a moment to sort it out themselves. (I saw it working well with with 3.5 & 5.5 year olds). Maybe they learned what undesireable results happen if Mommy/Daddy decides.
- Alternate days during which 1 child gets deciding power. This is a recount I heard from family whose kids are now grownup (and get along very well). Apparently, this method taught them to negotiate and cooperate well so that they didn't retaliate against one another. I think they were closer to 7 when they started this.
- A few times my husband resorted to a coin toss when it's been an argument between him and our son (4.5), which was novel enough and fun enough it placated him. I don't know how this would work as a long term strategy.
Good luck. :D
The height of this very phenomenon occured a couple of days ago:
4-yr-old: I hear our cats at night, so I think cats are nocturnal.
2-yr-old: No, they ARE turnal!
Looking forward to trying your suggestions :)
- andrea, Aug 8, 2011