Stay at home vs. Working Mom's. Why the judgement?
Having been a stay at home Mom since we had kids, I have noticed the profound judgements and assumptions that are made about each role. We are all doing the best we can for our little ones.
From a stay at home Mom's perspective, taking care of my kids truly has been the hardest job I have ever had. Rewarding, yes. Frustrating, demanding, exhausting, stressful, a sacrifice, all of the above.
Why is staying home perceived as a "luxury" for a Mom? Luckily, I have a network of other stay at home Mom's to share, support and cope with everyday life. It seems as we if are looked "down" upon sometimes by the working Mom's and the rest of society. "Ohhhh, YOU are a stay at home Mom?"
In all honesty, I am often jealous of the Mom's who get out of the house, have a seperate identity, can use the ladies room alone and eat a meal in peace at work. Can go to the store, doctor or run an errand without a child in tow, can have a feeling of accomplishment, autonomy. Working Mom's have something to fill in on the forms that say Employer. What does mine say? I have known working Mom's who have played "hookie" from work to enjoy time for themselves while leaving a child in daycare. Ironically, this is accepted while the stay at home mom is perceived as not working as "hard".
I do not think I would change my role in life, but wonder why we are not all more supportive and understanding?
Anonymous
Nov 30, 2009
3 Answers
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1 votes
I think, the the hearts of their hearts, most everyone believes that the ideal situation would be for the child to spend their first infant year or two at home. But that is not a reality the society has decided to support financially. So people manage somehow. Some have to find day care, return to work, resume duties.
But if you just did against what you believe to be right in the heart of your hearts, and you did this to the person that is dearest in the world to you, you would feel very very guilty.
This creates tremendous inner conflict. So the easier way is to not think about this conflict. But when people see others who have chosen to follow what they believe in the heart of their hearts, the guilt rears its ugly head. And people say mean things. Because of that inner guilt.
That's what I think happens.
Anonymous
Dec 1, 2009
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0 votes
Good question, nicely asked! I agree with the anonymous poster's suggestion that the desire to do what's best, but also to find a balance, may be at the heart of negative comments.
However, personally, I don't believe there's any evidence that it's best for an infant to "spend the first year or two at home". I do think there's abundant evidence that it's best for the infant to have a caring, physically and verbally interactive care provider (mom, dad, or other) AND parents who are at-peace with their choices and as content, relaxed and supportive/loving-to-each-other as possible. (Being financially solvent helps too :) Sometimes that works out to be a mom or dad who stays at home, sometimes that works out to be both parents working outside the home.
As for the negative comments, one driver I think is that women's (and men's) roles have changed so recently in America such that now there's lots of personal choice but not yet a lot of support for the plurality of our choices (economically, job-wise, care-wise, or in the space of public opinion).
I'd hope we can find a way to support parents of all stripes (because that'll be the best for our kids, their parents and our society at large), and - at the root of it - try really hard to not assume (knee-jerk) that whatever way we were raised is the best way to raise children.
Anonymous
Dec 2, 2009
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0 votes
Just a point - I completely agree that there is no evidence that stay-at-home mom care is better than anything else. Also agree that children need stability, continuity, affection, encouragement etc etc and that those can be provided by many different people (just not in rapid succession).
What I do think is that for many people, stay-at-home parent care is the gold standard to which other forms of care are compared to, and it is the ideal that they would like to have for their kids, if everything else took care of itself.
Anonymous
Dec 14, 2009
Nice point, well-stated!
- andrea, Dec 15, 2009