4 Answers
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Ouch. Have you tried the traditional bribery technique? Go with him to the dollar store and a toy store. Get him a lot of smaller $1 toys (race cars, etc.) Then about three big toys he really wants.
Explain to him that he earns a small toy by sitting on the potty. He can get up to 3 a day, one for each time he sits on the potty. He doesn't have to do anything except sit.
He gets a big toy for using the potty, #1 or #2, up to one big toy a day for the first three times he uses the potty.
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Wow, sounds like you're having a pretty hard time with behavior issues, and that's just compounding the potty training stuff. Have you talked about these issues with your pediatrician? That might be a good thing at this point.
But, I'm sure you're also on your own. First, I'd focus on the behavior issues outside of the context of Potty training. Establish some barriers about what's acceptable and what's unacceptable behavior. In my book, pretending to "kill" is always unacceptable behavior, no matter what the context, but feel free to make up boundaries that work for you. You need to let him know that some things are okay, and some things are not, and be consistent about when he crosses the line. Both parents need to be 100% on board with this, for sure.
For example, you might have him practice and help out with non-potty related cleanup tasks (wiping the table after meals, cleaning up sand/dirt from shoes with a broom or vacuum, etc.) and then transition that behavior to any after-potty cleanup tasks that you have. Helping clean up after an accident (#1 or #2) might be a motivator, but if you have a very strong willed child, I know this can be hard. Take tiny steps, one at a time. Even a little bit of helping (for example, going to fetch a towel to wipe up) could get him thinking in the right directino.
Second, don't make it a battle, no matter what. He needs to self-motivate to use the potty, hands down. There's no amount of "forcing" that can help this issue. With our 3yr old daughter, she often completely refuses to sit on the potty, so we just say "okay let me know when you're ready". Sometimes she does, and sometimes she doesn't. Often times there will be a tiny accident before she realizes she has to go, and that's okay with us. We're going through 3+ pairs of underwear per day with #1 accidents. (That said, she's always been very good with her #2's, so I feel your pain.).
Third, don't make it into a big scene. Maybe he can just wear underwear, and if/when he has an accident, just say "oh, that's an accident honey, your pee/poo is supposed to go into the potty. Let's go into the bathroom and get cleaned up" Don't make a huge scene with "ewww yuck this is so disgusting I hate cleaning it up so much, doesn't it smell so bad" (etc.) You'll have to really hold back your emotions for this one.
Other ideas:
Have you tried having a "naked weekend"? Cancel all plans, and take off his clothes in the morning and don't put them on again until bedtime. Feed lots of potty-inducing foods & drinks (juice, plums, etc.) Keep a close eye on him during 1:1 play the whole day, and when you see things happening, have him run quick to the bathroom. Have an adequate reward (as Stephen M. suggested above) ready to go.
Have you tried the "Big daddy underwear" tact? Our son is super-motivated by wearing underwear that's identical to mine. Buy small ones for him and big ones for his father that exactly match and talk about how awesome it is to wear "big boy" underwear. Talk it up a lot, focusing on the benefits: Able to run faster, just like daddy, looks great, easier to pull up/down, can get yourself dressed easier, etc.
Good luck!
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If I were 3 and wanting to be in control, and I could tell that my mom cared a whole lot about something, and I had control over whether or not she got what she cared so much about... I might not want to let her get what she wanted, especially if it meant that I could keep doing things the way I wanted to, the way I felt most comfortable and in control. I read somewhere to imagine yourself trying to make #2 while sitting on the couch in the living room. It's awful, can't even begin to want to try, right? That's how hard it is if you've been going in your diaper for your entire life and someone wants you to try going somewhere else.
I hear from your description how hard you've been trying, and how frustrated you are, and I'm so very sorry. I can relate. It sucks to be the parent and know what's best and have every attempt to get there be stomped on...
So, in addition to the previous answers, one thing to try would be to not let him know you care so very much. And then really try hard not to care so very much. He will learn to use the potty. Everyone - barring mental disorders - does eventually. It won't be much longer. It's up to him to decide to learn it so make it as attractive as possible (without pressure) and then try and get yourself out of the equation (so it's between him and the potty and deciding to be a big boy, not between him and his mom and who has the stronger will - he'll win that one everytime, our 3yo daughter certainly does).
Is there a big boy in the family / friends that can show off a bit how cool it is to use the potty?
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First - deep sympathies.
It sounds to me that he is physically ready - i was told that "hiding" with poopy pants or diaper is a sign of readiness. But, having just gone through a rather strong bout of sibling rivalry between a 3-year-old and a newborn, I am seeing some similarities. I think your boy is jealous (maybe of your fiance? some other life change situation?) and is playing his potty cards very aggressively. Whatever the source of his upset with you, he is pushing your buttons to get you to spend more effort and energy on him, even if it is negative.
Our 3-year-old was on the way to potty training herself just shy of 2. She wasn't actually dry until 7 months later - mostly, because she didn't want to. Then, after a month or two of dryness, there was a patch of regression. We tried reasoning, getting angry... in the end letting her go back to diapers and putting her panties away did the trick, and three days later she wanted her panties back. And then she got night dry. After baby brother was born, she started first peeing her bed and pyjamas, or on the floor, or next to the toilet. Then she started peeing her panties here there and everywhere. We scolded her, and she just did it more, and in more creative ways. It was exasperating, and she knew it, which was precisely why she was doing it. We are finally getting to the better side of it mainly, I believe, because we have stopped getting upset over her accidents. Instead we ignore them or say in a bored voice "well then go put some dry clothes on", and if she doesn't want to, we just shrug and let her be in her wet clothes, but forbid her from sitting on the sofa. The only "punishment" is that when she wets herself, there's no video watching for the next day. Even this is declared very matter of factly. It has been VERY helpful to decide that wet panties is not for getting upset about. I realise this would be harder with poop. I'm not against positive rewards, but I have found that such programs only work for about 3 days with her (we tried stickers for pottying, but I wouldn't credit our success with the stickers).
But to echo the other advice: you need to stop giving him the satisfaction of your anger and upset. You can explain to others that since you have tried everything else, you might as well try ignoring it. Outsmarting three-year-olds is incredibly hard. You have to get everyone else on board as well. Give it a week and I hope you start to see a difference. It will get messy at first, but sounds like it would be messy anyway. I would also suggest trying to take the diapers off of him cold turkey. And instead of diapers and wipes like a baby, put him in the tub or shower and wash him there. Change the game - but matter of factly. "Oh dear. We have no more diapers. You need to wear underpants now."
Good luck.
Of course, take only what you think makes sense of all this advice. Maybe cold turkey is not the first step, maybe it is. Maybe new underpants can be part of the reward... or motivator. I just sent my nephews robot underpants (off of childrensplace.com) and they love them. Or maybe your boy is into dinosaurs? cheap, relevant, maybe a good extra motivator or reward? :)
- katja, Jan 25, 2012