How to teach a preschooler to share mom?

0 votes

We got some advice when our second was born on how to forestall jealousy in the older sibling - namely, when the older one wanted mom we were to pass off the newborn (if possible) and oblige. After all, the newborn doesn't mind and tends to have a lot of mom already, and the older one feels less threatened. It worked. We've had virtually no sibling rivalry issues so far, and the kids play pretty well together.

Fast forward one year. We took that advice literally. Now the problem is that our newborn, now 1, has a preference and a say. She'd like some time with mommy too. Which works for me, I'd like to be able to be with both kids and give 1:1 attention to both, laptime to both at times together and at times individually, etc.

Today before music class - I attend with our 2 kids and our nanny - I told the older one he needed to share me with younger one and take turns between me and our nanny. (He'd previously had me to himself while the nanny took the baby.) He wasn't thrilled. We began the class as we always had, the older in my lap, the younger in the nanny's. A couple times throughout the class I suggested he go to the nanny and give his sister a chance with me. He declined. A couple of times his sister launched herself from the nanny's lap and toddled to me grinning, and the two shared my lap (with the older one fussing a bit). After a time, our nanny would come and fetch the younger one.

Finally, near the end of class, the younger one stealthily snagged my lap while the older one was busy elsewhere. The older one noticed and began to cry. I told him to go to our nanny. He cried harder. I gave him a little hug, told him I loved him, and that he needed to sit with our nanny. He cried harder. Our nanny came to fetch the younger one and I asked her to take the older one instead. He cried in her lap. It was something of a scene, and the crying jag was sad for my son, myself and our nanny, but I was at a loss for what else to do.

Any suggestions? What could I have done better? What should I do next time?
andrea

both so cute, & so tiring!
mountain view, ca

Jan 14, 2010

4 Answers

  • 1 votes

    I think all things need practice, even sharing mommy. I have very little experience yet in this category but I think you have a valid point in that there will just be times when you can't have both at the same time and they will need to take turns.

    Unlike the others, I don't have a problem with you being at music time with your nanny, but suggest that you do mommy sharing practice somewhere else first. Especially since this music time is an established routine and now it is something that you are taking away from your son.

    Maybe you could try horse rides on your knee or airplanes or dancing partners at home with turn taking from both kids until they get used to the idea.
    sweethi

    bounce, bounce ... hop, hop
    Seattle, WA

    Jan 21, 2010

  • 0 votes

    Sounds like Motherhood / Parenthood to me. These experiences are where the " My parents favored my sister/brother over me" comments come from. Parents know that they love each child as equally as they can, but kids experience their own lives through different eyes. Your kids are young now, but you have years of " comparisons " to live through in the future -- as seen by youthful eyes. Grin and bear it as the saying goes... You know you are trying your best to be fair and equitable. Have confidence in yourself. Parenting is a constantly challenging job.

    Anonymous

    Jan 14, 2010

  • 0 votes

    Both your kids want to spend time with you. You are, however, changing his expectations - i.e., in the past, he had priority access to you at music. Now, the dynamic & status quo has changed; he doesn't have priority access to your attention and now has "competition" -- his sister who has an emerging personality, opinions (and voice). He now has to share -- something that is different and a little less comfortable than before.

    From one of the events you described, your son was looking to you for comfort and assurance while you were with your daughter but you seemed to effectively saying "I love you but go the Nanny for comforting".

    I don't mean to be harsh...sounds like they both want some "Mommy" time, not "Mommy with an option of Nanny" time. Why is the Nanny at music with you ? And why do they need to take turns with you and the Nanny vs. both being just with you? Perhaps they both need to know that you have more than enough capacity to sit with them and care for them at the same time no matter what they are doing. If the Nanny is not there, then neither of them can think that Mom can have their sibling just go to the Nanny so they can "win" the competition for your attention or that the Nanny may come over to take the other sibling if they get fussy enough. Also, it get you to "go it alone" and learn to handle such situations without the safety net of your Nanny.

    It's a good point, asking the question "why is nanny there?" The simple answer is because she has the kids during the day while I work, and I attend classes when I can or take the kids 1:1 when I can. I realize that that scenario can be hard on the kids, but it's the perfect solution for me to both be working and be present as a mom while they are so young...

    I can handle the two together these days - that's not the issue, it's more - logistically - the amount of time it takes to get them dressed, going, there and back vs the amount of time to just attend the class. I had thought it would be better for the kids to each have their own adult and to trade-off, but maybe it's actually not.

    - andrea, Jan 16, 2010

    Anonymous

    Jan 16, 2010

  • 0 votes

    I agree with Anonymous... though I'm sure you, your kids, and your nanny have a good relationship " dividing up" who gets Moms ( or Dads) attention can be very confusing to young children. It can also start a cycle of jealousy and resentment between the children themselves. A competitive atmosphere, where there is a " winner" and a "loser" ( in the child's eyes) does not foster healthy family relationships. Even scenarios at home while the nanny is present can cause problems in this area. Your intentions and the logistics of getting to the activity are understood, but perhaps you should rethink your approach to situations such as these.

    I agree... and yet, isn't there the same "winner" vs "loser" dynamic if it's me alone with 2 kids? Sure the two can sit on my lap together, but I can only be lifting one child at a time (there are songs where we trot the kid on our lap or lift over the head etc.) I'm going to need to take turns with them some of the time whether the nanny is there or not. I'm curious why both anonymous posters think the nanny is at the crux of this dilemma, rather than the more general question of ways to teach a preschooler and 1-yr-old to take turns with mom / dad?

    - andrea, Jan 17, 2010

    I understand your concerns, and ultimately, there might not be one correct answer to this dilemma. The nanny is definitely not at the crux of the problem ( it could be anyone)  --- she is just a part of the scenario!  What is great is that you are asking questions and genuinely want to address this issue. That being said, babies and pre-schoolers ( young children in general)  are not cognitively capable of comprehending the concept of delayed satisfaction. ( now verses later or another time) " Now" is what they experience ( very zen like ! ) I am sure that you will be able to train and work with your children to help them feel comfortable with the fact that you have both the time and the love for both of them. This is a work in progress for all parentsof more than one child.  It takes time and patience for everyone.   One suggestion for next time might be for you to have the "needy" child of the moment sit next to you and have bodily contact with you. That way, there can be some sort touching between the two of you -- including conversation,  stroking and hand holding, but that child still does not sit directly in your lap. You might not see this as the quality time you wanted with one child only, but it may help with soothing the child who is upset. Things will improve over time.  By the way -- every parent experiences all of their children ( no matter what number ) at the same time--- climbing on them, leaning on them, touching them, talking at the same time to get as much of their parents attention as they can. As you well know, parenting is not an ordered world !

    - Suzanne, Jan 23, 2010

    Great points, thanks!  Just wanted to update that I did try taking both kids alone, and having the nanny take the kids on days I couldn't attend. There was still rather unsubtle contention for my lap, for my hands, for my attention, but we didn't have any more horrible dynamics like the one I described above - no need to push one child away, or try and soothe one very distraught child while letting the other child "win" me for a bit. There was / is some competition, but not the same degree of trauma... thank god!

    Thanks for all the suggestions and feedback!

    - andrea, Mar 24, 2010

    Anonymous

    Jan 16, 2010



Log in to answer this question.