When, if ever, and how much do you bend the rules for special circumstances?
We have a preschooler who is usually extremely well behaved. In fact, he deserves punishment so rarely that he used to ask to be punished (for fun?).
Recently, he has been going through a lot and is prone to crying outbursts at the slightest thing and not following directions. There seems to always be an explanation for why our normally well-behaving child would be so irritable. This month it could be any of the following:
- new sibling
- new molars
- pneumonia
- too tired
- too hungry
More often than not, we subject him to the same system: if you break a rule, you get a warning. If you break it again, you get the "thinking step" (similar to time out). Although I do notice we are giving him more warnings and of course, when he was sick we simply stopped trying to enforce some rules. But overall I feel a bit cruel.
For example, last night he would just stand around and ignore me when I asked him to take off his shoes and coat. (We would help him once he made a motion to start). Then the same thing with washing hands. I knew that it was a combination of hunger and tiredness. But after multiple warnings of "listen, follow directions" etc. he received his usual punishment. After that he was able to follow directions with still some prompting. But the whole thing only prolonged his hunger/tiredness.
On one hand, I feel that consistency is key. I think it's easy to find one excuse or another to let things slide. On the other hand I do recognize that sometimes, things are more than he can handle. What do you do in these circumstances? How do you make exceptions while still being consistent?
3 Answers
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It's OK to be occasionally inconsistent (emphasis on occasionally) and deviate from the norm based upon the your judgement of the situation. If he typically behaves reasonably well in the past under the same situation but you see that some reasonable extenuation circumstances exist (tired, hungry, ill vs. being mad at you for "making him leave his playdate early"), feel free to bend a little or modify the rules. If you do decide to bend, acknowlege openly to him that is what you are doing --- e.g., "I know you are tired and hungry right now so how about I help you with your shoes and coat this time." You are acknowledging to him that you recognize that something is a little off for him today and you are willing to make some reasonable accomodations once in a while in your expectations to make things easier for him -- I think showing some practical examples of listening, empathy, compassion for others, etc. and making some reasonable accomodations from time to time is also important.
Maintaining needed longterm structure, managing expectations and being consistent is important but there should be some reasonable flexibility (soft and hard boundaries ?) built in that kids are aware of. It may be OK that Mom/Dad helps with getting the coat off when very tired once in a while but it is never acceptable to, say, shove your sister even when you are tired and cranky.
Regarding your comment about feeling cruel ... with that all said, doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing; it sometimes make one wonder if one is being mean or cruel since, sometimes, there is no easy answer or clear right way to respond. We are parents to our kids; not their friends. We are suppose to help teach and guide, sometimes even when the kids don't like it. Just make sure you are doing what ever you are doing with the best intentions.
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I hear your pain and your dilemma. Exceptions to " the rules" seem to be everywhere! I am a Grandmother and my work has involved positive behavioral training of various kinds. One suggestion I have is to use the expression " Its time to..." when you become aware that there is a special circumstance at hand. The statement " Its time to..." can be used during regular times of procrastination or beligerance as well. Rather than get into a bargaining or disciplining position with your child, move into action. Calmly, firmly and without alot of words, state " Its time to" ..... ( wash your hands, take off your shoes etc.) Then move into action by physically helping the child to complete the task. Do not reprimand, scold, or talk about what needs to be done. Just do it. Afterwards, praise your child for completing the task ( even though you helped alot with the completion! ) You can even say thank you for ------ , or you did a great job at ------. In this way, the task remains neutral and both you and the child are not at odds with one another. This method might not always work, but if the "power struggle" between the parent and the child is lessened, then both of you will be happier.
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It sounds like you have done a great job creating the structure, expectations consistency and consequences in to your routine and household.
I think that there will always be times when we as parents know that something is just off- a child is overtired, over stimulated, not feeling well, hungry etc... Maybe they need a little extra TLC at those times and nothing is wrong with it! There used to be times when I felt like I "set my child up" to misbehave by keeping them out later than I should have, skipping a nap, eating a meal later. It happens in life! I needed to own my role in the dynamic and be flexible.
If I am overtired, hungry, stressed, overwhelmed and the like, I know that I like a little extra help or support from my hubby :) Showing compassion and recognizing when the expectations may not be realistic is OK in my book.
