How do I teach my toddler to stay closer to me in crowded spaces?
When I'm with my 2.5yr old son in a crowded place, like a mall, farmers market, or even just walking down the street, I have a hard time keeping him within my comfort zone.
He can usually walk alongside me just fine, but if he sees or hears something really compelling, he'll dart off in a random direction to go investigate.
I love his sense of adventure and curiosity, so I don't want him on a "tight leash" per say, but what I would like was that if he had some feeling of "Where's Daddy?" and keeping an eye on me.
When I see him darting off, I can call his name and tell him to come back. He usually hears my call, and about half the time he'll actually come back. The other half of the time, he looks back at me, smiles, and keeps going. Clearly there's a power dynamic at play, so I'm hesitant to be forceful, as that will just make him even more rebellious/resistant.
Any ideas on how I can foster a natural comfort zone for him as well, and get him to "check in with Dad" when he wants to go off and explore?
3 Answers
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When my toddler first started running off to see things he found interesting, I had a completely different approach. While I considered Lindsay's method, I thought it would be unfair to purposefully introduce trauma to his day because he wasn't intentionally acting out. He's simply being a toddler. My perspective is that when I'm out with a 2-year-old, it's my job to keep him in my sights not the other way around. I do intend to make it his job when he's a bit older, but for now I taught him to help make my job easier.
I started doing this at the start of his running off, right before he turned 2 so I'm not sure you can still get it to work for you.
When he started running off, I would say, "Wait for Mommy. Come back and take me with you." At first he didn't know what I meant so we did some practice rounds. Instead of coming to him and continuing from where he already was, I took him back to where we originally were before he started off and I would say something like, "Let's try again. Where do you want to go? Take my hand and I will follow you." After a couple of tries he got this and would start taking my hand before he runs off. If he forgets, I just say, "Wait for Mommy." and he will usually come back or stand and wait. If he doesn't stand and wait, I bring him back again to where we started. This is rare now. I would just say again "Where do you want to go? Take my hand and I will follow you."
He is 2 years and 8 months now. Sometimes I let him go off by himself after he tells me where he wants to go so I am not getting dragged everywhere he wants to go. But the key thing is that he tells me before he runs off and I can tell him whether or not he can go there. If I don't go with him, I tell him that he can go there by himself and wait there for me. ("You want to look at the blue balloon? Go ahead, I can see you. Wait by the blue balloon for Mommy." Then when I catch up with him, I say "Thank you for waiting.")
Cool. Brave of you to try something new at a big museum. :)
- sweethi, Nov 30, 2009
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Take your child somewhere public that's not too crowded, like the Mall on a weekday and try this. Walk with them into a part of a store with racks of something you can hide behind, and as they dart off to look at something, hide from them. Hide where you can see them, but they don't know where you are. Watch until they are really upset because they can't find you and then go to them. Tell them to stay with you next time. If you don't wait till they get upset, you won't be able to make the emotional impression you are looking for.
You may have to do this a few times to get them to stay with you, but it works with a child who can learn from the experience. Some kids just can't resist the lure of interesting things, for them you should keep them on a leash (literally if you have to, I did until my first son was three) until they are old enough to learn this lesson. It's different for different kids.
Also, when you are doing this, keep an eye out for other people who will foil your plan, and tell them you are teaching something to your child.
Good Luck!
This is a great idea. In fact, I'm think I might try this out at the Mountain View farmer's market with a friend. I'll let our son run off, making sure that my friend is ahead, and I'll stay behind. I'll tell my friend to "come look for me" and we'll have a pre-arranged meeting time & place. BTW, did you actually do this with your kids?
- Steve Lacy, Nov 24, 2009
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I think reigning in small children is nearly impossible... but fear and panic are great teachers !! Some carefuly planned " I'm lost" interventions are probably a good way to teach the consequences of what might happen if a small one runs away. Talking about safety with a toddler is almost useless.... a much too sophisticated concept for them. Experience and actions are great teachers.
Neat idea! We just tried this at the Natural History Museum with our 2.5 yr old! It worked once or twice, but there was also the usual healthy amount of scurrying after him through legs and ramps and strollers ;) At least it felt better to say "take Mommy with you" than "Stay with me!" or "Stop!" (over and over) and he seemed to respond well to it (meaning he listened and sometimes even remembered :)
- andrea, Nov 27, 2009