How to potty train an extremely stubborn child?
My 3.5 yo is still not potty trained! We have tried bribery (candy and toys), guilt (but your friends use the potty!), encouragement (great job sitting on the toilet!!!), peer pressure (getting another toddler to tell him he should use the potty), but alas, all to no avail.
Last summer when it was warm out, we had minimal success with him running around naked from the waste down. He did actually pee in the potty twice. But once summer vacation was over and he was back in school (wearing underwear), he proceeded to have accidents everyday for 2 weeks until his teachers just put him back into pull-ups. And he's been in pull-ups since then.
We always offer him a choice in the morning while getting dressed, if he prefers underwear or pullup. But he always chooses pullups and we don't want to press the issue.
Any suggestions? Or will he just eventually come around on his own?
5 Answers
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I've had this conversation with the pediatrician twice now. Both my son's are resistant to the potty. Seems this is a common boy issue.
My first son didn't potty "train" until he was over four. Then something just kicked in and he started using the potty. No pull ups, just BAM. Done. Pull ups at night for about a year, but that's it.
Now, my second, who was four in December is not interested in using the potty AT ALL! This kid is VERY HEAD STRONG. and Everything is a power struggle. So, I'm not pushing it. The pediatrician says the LAST thing you want in this arena is a power stuggle. She says that unless there's some physiological problem children will begin to use the potty before kindergarten.
now, if you were looking forward to having your tot out of diapers, this may be bad news. But I've learned to live with it. I've got other problems to tackle, and since it seems they will just use the potty when they are ready, I'll take on the other stuff.. like say.. Hitting and Biting.
That is extra hard when your preschool isn't accomodating. Ours changes diapers right up to the end with no pressure. I hope he get's some inspriation to use the potty soon!
- Lindsay, Mar 9, 2010
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Does he want to be potty-trained or is this just for you? I would say if he has no interest, I would totally step back for now. I wouldn't offer him the choice of pull-up or underwear, he just gets a pull-up. Actually, I just put ours in a diaper and he could treat it like a pull-up but it had the added advantage of us being able to put underwear over the diaper and then take off the diaper without removing his pants and shoes.
I would make him sit on the potty at night before bath. When he is home and not much is going on, I would tell him on a regular schedule (say every 1.5-2 hours) that it is time to sit on the potty. If he seems to want company, stay with him and read him books; if not, leave. (One of ours wanted company, one didn't.) At nap time I would put him in a diaper and leave him in it for the rest of the day. Depending on how he is doing using the potty in the morning, I might or might not have him wearing a diaper. If he is doing a decent job, I would reward him in some way for the baby step. "Hey, you stay dry all the way until lunch. Good job! Let's put a sticker on your chart." But still slap a diaper on him after lunch so he has the success of the morning without the pressure of doing it for the whole day. We gave a piece of chocolate for using the potty.
But, again, if he isn't showing interest, then I wouldn't push it now, I would just try again in a couple of months.
Unfortunately, he balks at the suggestion of sitting on the potty. It's turned into a major power struggle replete with full on tantrums. At this point, we've completely backed off and have stopped asking if he wants underwear, nor even asking if he wants to sit on the potty. I'm going to wait a couple months and try again later.
- aknitter, Feb 16, 2010
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Gosh, that's hard. We're having an up and down path towards potty training (which I gather is typical), but we haven't had the all-out prolonged refusals. I do know, though, that when our son digs his heels in on something, it seems as if he has his whole self-concept on the line... he really needs to win. It puts us into a straight-up bind - force the issue OR step back, diffuse the tension, and try it another way, later. We tried the first, once, over eating foods that we knew he'd eaten before and liked, and it made us all miserable - didn't feel right.
It seems to me stakes are even higher with potty training. If tensions are high, a child won't be able to relax enough to be successful. So, I think you're doing the right thing, the only thing, by waiting to try again. You know, of course, he'll get it. if you take the long view, have you ever met a teenager who wasn't potty trained? :) It's just a question of when, and does a few months (even, worst-case, if it's a year!) matter in the long run? From watching our son going through this, it seems like, after years with the modern-tech-miracles of today's diapers, it's actually *really* hard to connect up sensations you're used to ignoring with real-world impact, and then, on top of that, you need to motivate a change in behavior with the status quo has always been fine. It really is quite a feat when they figure it out.
I'd wonder if waiting for a warm sunny day and running outside half-naked with "target-practice" on bushes or whatever is a good way to re-broach the goal... something fun, and not at all related to the toilet. i hear it's a hit with boys. And then you can take it indoors by floating little targets in the toilet.
If it helps, we've had a surprising amount of success with a potty chart with stickers. It's really neat to see the stickers build up over time and it's a good way to show him that he's been successful in the past and talk about how proud we are. We got a variety of stickers and keep adding to the options, and weren't particular about putting one sticker per box (we just drew a grid on a large piece of construction paper, and stopped short of formalizing it into a calendar - ie no numbers), and he's amazed us by building a story on the chart - making a little grouping that is a hamster family (him and us) and other animals that are people he knows, feeding the animals with the food stickers we bought, connecting together stickers to make a train, etc. Stickers rock (far more than it seems like they should ;)
Stay cool, and good luck! :)
As it were, I commented too soon. It just so happened that we ran out of pullups (yes, there is another box in the garage, but our son doesn't know that), so my husband felt it was a good opportunity to start potty training again. Except this time, it wasn't really a choice - it was a necessity. "We're out of pullups! You have to wear underwear today!"
My husband made a whole visual chart showing the new morning and nightime routine complete with pictures. Morning is wake up, sit on potty, brush teeth, get dressed, breakfast. Amazingly our son was really into the novelty of trying out this new routine and did sit on the potty (not going pee though). But not 5 minutes later just as he sat at the table to eat his breakfast, he wet himself.
Argh, I foresee lots of clothes washing in our future.
- aknitter, Feb 17, 2010
Wowzer - glad your son's on board, nice with the new approach! One thing that worked for us was no underwear, no nothing, just sit on a towel at breakfast / on the couch. Again, with the "clue in to the fact you're going..."
Good luck!
- andrea, Feb 17, 2010
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My son was also very resistant to potty training. We had a few instances of success but he was just never happy about sitting on the potty. We started by rewarding him with a stamp, which I really recommend over a treat since it is something he can look at all day long and he can show other people. When he tells people why he got one, he always gets tons of praise. It was fun to go to a stamp store with him and let him pick out a stamp. Later it became fun for him to stamp anywhere he wants on his body. He doesn't get to play with stamps in our house for anything else.
Having said all that about stamps, it wasn't enough to convince him he always wanted to do it. What we started doing was making the potty part of the bedtime routine. He always has milk with stories before bed so we knew there was pee. I think he was more receptive to this because it delayed going to bed. After a few days, he was peeing in the potty every night before going to sleep. It helped him get comfortable on the potty and build his confidence. Just be prepared for the extra time it takes in the beginning. Then we sneaked in more times as part of the routine. "Right before bath is a good time to use the potty."
Well, that was the start of it. We are still not done. Now he keeps his diaper dry all day and through the night but is still resistant to #2.
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Ok, back to report. After going cold turkey, my son is almost completely pee-pee potty trained! His preschool insisted that he was physically and cognitively ready, but he just need the "push" to finally make the emotional leap. So, after 3 weeks of wearing underwear all day (even naptimes) and having accidents nearly every single day, we have had 4 continuous days of no accidents. Yay!
So, the cold turkey route worked for him. I don't know if that would work for everyone. Now I need to post another question on how to tackle going #2 in the toilet.
I'd like to do the same, i.e. not push it at all. However, my son's preschool is putting on the pressure. They've already made an allowance for him when he "graduated" from the younger room and moved onto the next class. One of the prerequisites to be in the older class is to be potty trained, but they felt that if he stayed in the young class, he wouldn't be happy being the oldest kid with a bunch of toddlers.
Anyways, still no success. He is wearing underwear now, but still not using the potty. That boy can hold his pee in for hours, until he literally bursts and wets himself. He doesn't mind sitting on the potty anymore when we ask him to, but he never actually pees in the potty.
- aknitter, Mar 9, 2010