Is bribing your kid a bad thing?

1 votes

I head from a co-worker that they were trying to raise their child "without using any bribing" and that they were having difficulty potty training, and trying to figure out how to motivate their child.

It's an interesting question, and got me thinking about how often I say "If you X then you can Y." to my child.  For example: "If you eat your veggies, then you can have a french fry".  "If you sit on the potty, then you can watch TV."  "If you put on your shoes, then we can go to the park."  The list is sort of endless.

Should I be worried about "bribing" too much?  What are the longterm consequences of "if X then Y" style motivation? 

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Steve Lacy

"Daddy do it!"
Silicon Valley

Feb 22, 2010

4 Answers

  • 1 votes

    Hmmm... bribing is related to cause and effect in many ways. Kids don't think in terms of consequences !   Linear thinking must be grown in to, taught, and aquired by age and maturity. So, in many ways "bribing" is a good thing. And, it can be used to teach both positive and negative results. But --- everything in moderation! Too much bribing sets up a situation where everything can be negotiated ( in the child's mind) -- and this is  not good in the long run.  Who wants to bargain with kids over everything?  That would become a battle from hell. So back to " bribing".  As a teaching tool I think it can be very constructive. It teaches kids cooperation, responsibility,  and can be a very win-win situation.  ( I please my Mom or Dad, I get what I want, and everyone is  happy -- even me. )  Kids aren't born with intrinsic motivation! Thats a sophisticated skill that even some adults never achieve. I think that " if x then Y" style motivation is a useful tool and can be used with great success. Just don't overdue it and you will teach your kids alot about the cause and effect of things. You might even be able to use it to your own advantage someday ---- " if you let Dad rest for 15 mins  right now, we can do ______ later". Now thats livin' ! :) 
    Suzanne

    Feb 22, 2010

  • 1 votes

    Yep, I think you are blurring the line between explaining causalities or order or relationship (put your bike helmet on - we can go biking or take off your clothes - take a nice bath) and bribing (here is candy, you can get it if you do X).

    Okay, so what are the consequences?  I never said we were bribing with candy, although I'm sure some parents do that (with icecream or other sweet treats).

    - Steve Lacy, Feb 23, 2010

    Anonymous

    Feb 22, 2010

  • 1 votes

    I don't think "if you put on your shoes you can go to the park" is bribing.  I think it is stating a necessary precondition to the desired activity.  For actual bribing, we've used it only for potty training and with great success.

     

    Have you seen any longterm consequences of using bribing for potty training?  Are you finished with potty training?  One thing that I'm nervous about is that our reward for going #2 on the potty is to watch 30 minutes of TV.  We have always planned that this would be a rule just for the training period, and that when he was internally motivated to use the potty by himself, that we would stop this practice.  But, I'm worried that he might come to expect a "treat" for using the potty and this might be a hard habit to break.  Did this happen to you?

    - Steve Lacy, Feb 23, 2010

    We're done with the first two and we haven't seen any long or short term consequences.  We gave a piece of chocolate for using the potty.  We made a big deal of it at the beginning but after a couple of days they stopped asking for chocolate each time and after a couple weeks they never asked.  It's like they need a little extra motivation to get going, but once they do they are just there.

    Also, we gave chocolate to each kid, not just the one going, so it would be celebratory for everyone.  Not sure how that's going to work when we potty train #3 since his brothers will be probably old enough to remember to ask for chocolate each time by then.

    - kristie, Feb 23, 2010

    We "bribed" my son during the potty training period with stickers, treats & small toys (every so many stickers he'd get a toy car or something similar). We phased out those treats as he got more comfortable with using the potty. By the time he was 3 he had forgotten he had ever got treats for using the potty -- until now, when we're doing the same thing with his younger sister. He suddenly does want treats for using the potty again, but realizes that that's not right. He instead has a different reward system of earning stickers for dressing himself, doing well at school, picking up toys, etc. He's content with that.

    "Bribing" has worked for us, and is part of parenting in my opinion -- behaviors should get carrots or sticks to encourage or discourage them, right?

    - Stephen M., Feb 24, 2010

    Anonymous

    Feb 22, 2010

  • 0 votes

    Yes, be worried about bribing too much.

     

    We discussed this in several threads over on Friendfeed:

     

    http://friendfeed.com/parenting-a-go-go/74348c4e/bribing-it-doesnt-work-wired-for-noise

    http://friendfeed.com/paul/d8923739/dan-pink-on-surprising-science-of-motivation
    lnorvig

    May 18, 2010



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