4 Answers
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I just went to a 'temperment' workshop and this is what I learned:
80% of kids have tantrums (usually between ages 2 & 4)
On average lasting less than 5 minutes (if you pay attention to them they can last longer)
Best way to handle a tantrum is to avoid the CAUSES:
power struggles - give kids two choices (both of which are acceptable - avoid yes/no questions)
need for attention - try hard to pay attention and give encouragement when their behavior is good (so that negative behavior isn't needed to get your attention)
lack of sleep - she suggests 11 hrs at night & 1 to 1.5 hrs at nap time
lack of patience - build time into your schedule so that you're not having to rush the kids / give the kids something to do when they're having to wait for you
Be aware that lack of language skills, simple frustration, stress and fear are often causes that you can do little about. They will probably grow out of them but will need your understanding in the mean time.
Other helpful ADVICE:
define the behavior that you want to see - 'sit quietly in the cart' as apposed to 'please behave'
tell your kids what to expect - 'we're leaving soon', 'when we get to the restaurant, you get to play with stickers'
avoid errands when kids are tired or hungry
try to make your child laugh when you see their behavior escalating towards a tantrum. (they may forget what was upsetting them)
Plan of action:
1) Pick tantrum place (a safe, private room) where all future tantrums will take place.
2) Explain the new rule to your child at a calm & quiet time. "Nathan, a 'tantrum' is when you are very angy and scream and cry and stamp your feet. From now on, when you have a tantrum we want you to do it in the bedroom with the door closed. No one will bother you while you have your tantrum. You can have as long a tantrum as you like, or may choose to read a book or play quietly. You can come out of the room when you are done."
3) Follow through. When your child has a tantrum lead him to the tantrum place. Say "You may come out when you're done." Return him to the room if he comes out early, saying "you're not done yet." When it's over, it's over. Don't feel the need to lecture afterwards.
4) Away from home: Give a choice. "You can stop this behavior, or we can leave the store." Wait a moment, the say, "I see you've decided to leave the store." Try to do the time out in the car with you outside, so that when it's over you can resume your shopping. But if you need to, go home.
Don't give in! It teaches children that a tantrum is how to get what they want!!
(Check out the facilitator's facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kathys-Parenting-Solutions/62861540254)
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I'm sure a lot of this is well known. But hopefully there's some new stuff in there! Good luck.
Aloha,
Beth
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I'd love to hear suggestions too. Or 3 1/2 year old can throw screaming fits for over an hour. I usually banish him to his room and then attempt to ignore him, interspersed with many "Get back to your room until you're ready to calm down and stop screaming!". Which in turn is followed by shrieks of "I'M READY! I'M CALM! AAAAAHHHHHH!!".
My husband thinks our son is too young to manage his emotions by himself, so husband usually tries to "facilitate" by frequently going into his room to sit with him, help him verbalize his feelings, hugging and holding him. I think that by giving our son so much attention, that husband is actually helping to perpetuate the bad behavior.
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I'm neither an expert, nor are we (yet) dealing with this issue, but a parent I respect (who occasionally teaches Love & Logic courses) once gave us this little nugget: Your child has the right to be upset, but not the right to upset you or the rest of the family - so s/he can be upset alone in their room until they're ready to come out. As you're carrying them to their room, you can say "would you like the door open or closed, if you're quiet we can leave it open"... if they choose open and they continue to scream "I see you've chosen to have it closed" and close it. And when they're ready to come out, greet them with a happy smile and say "I'm so glad you've chosen to rejoin us, I missed you".
It sounds like your solutions of staying calm yet trying to not to reward with attention are along these lines. The other thing the Love & Logic site suggests is using humor.
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One new thought that I don't see above. Have you tried empathetically echoing back to him what he's upset about? Sometimes this diffuses our son mid-escalation. For example:
Son: One more story. Please!
Me: No more, we're all done now, time for bed.
Son: (getting more shrill) Aw. Just one more! We didn't get to read ____....! I wanted to!
Me: (speaking softly, looking him in the eyes) You wanted to read one more story. You really wanted too.
Son: <sometimes, not always> (quieter, looking at me) I did.
and we move on, sometimes with me saying "I really like stories too. Especially that one." And into bed.
It seems like it shouldn't work, but you know that feeling... when you're arguing with someone, trying to express yourself, to convince them, the emotion taking over. And it feels so good to just know you're being heard. Takes the energy out of feeling you need to repeat yourself with more and more emotion.
