Chores without bribes or guilt?
Looking for ideas on getting kids to help around the house, ideally without bribes ("help take out the dishes and we'll give you a quarter") or guilt/nagging ("do you think mommy likes doing chores? what would happen if we stopped doing anything for you?") ...neither of which sits well with us. How do you communicate with a child the need to be a good housemate and pitch in? We find ourselves falling into the "you made that mess, please pick it up" trap, which then leads to "that's not my mess, I don't have to pick it up" retort. ::sigh::
Thanks! :-)
3 Answers
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I'm not sure I have a definite answer, but this is one I've succeeded at inadvertently. My kids (now ages 17, 15, 11 & 11) all spontaneously do household chores, with very little prompting from me. Here’s what I can remember that I did when they were small:
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The only reward for helping was my sincere gratitude
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I didn’t make a big deal of the chores when they were really small (<3), but tried to make toys their responsibility
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As they got older, more routine chores shifted their way (setting table, clearing table, sorting silverware from dishwasher, etc.).
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Some chores were passed down as each child got older which gave everyone a sense of pride
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Let them have an honest view of how tired I was (without whining, but without sugar coating) and how hard I was working
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Made chores fun (washing dishes is fun!, dusting with a feather duster is fun!)
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Allowed them to choose the timing of the chores as much as possible (i.e. I don’t issue orders while they are engaged in something). This was key with my son.
By contrast, I have a 21 year old step-son who didn’t become a member of our household until he was 14 and still doesn’t clear his plate off the table. :/ I don’t know how to solve that one. I think really the key is teaching the children that they are a member of a community – not some special citizen. Once they truly understand community living, chores are just a part of it and not a big deal.
Yes, we clearly have a bug here. mamapajama -- did you cut & paste something into the answer, or did you really type it all yourself? I'm trying to figure out exactly when and why this happens. :) Your friendly parentsguild dev, Steve
- Steve Lacy, Mar 29, 2010
Okay, now that I can read your comments, I like what you are saying.
Can you tell me what kind of temperments your kids have? And do you think that would have anything to do with it? Mine are SO HEADSTRONG. Both of them. They are 7 and 4 years old.
- Lindsay, Mar 29, 2010
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I just read this pretty good article about getting helpers for chores over on parentdish.
That said, for us to get our nearly 3-year old to clean up requires a delicate hand. He likes doing things his own way, and on his own time. For example, we have much better success if we say "clean up your toys" and leave the room, coming back 10 minutes later to check on his progress. It's difficult to hear him in there doing all kinds of other things, but in the end, he actually does get it all cleaned up with a couple of reminders.
There are a couple of other things that he seems to think are "fun". For example, being able to use the "Big Sink" in the kitchen is really fun for him, so we can let him do something like rinse the dirty dishes. We could do it faster ourselves, but I think it gets the message across that his help is needed, and that chores don't really have to be that bad if we all do them together.
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This is an excellent question, that I have been trying desperately to find an answer to myself. I've read many things about how it's bad to offer rewards for desired behaviour ("punished by rewards" is a good read in this arena) and I've seen the down side to it as well, at home as well as in his classroom. But I'll be darned if I can figure out how to motivate them to pitch in without rewards.
Of course, we ignorantly started out offering a reward for so may things and now they want them for everything they do! My 4 year old even said to me one day - Mommy, I ate my cookie, now can I have a piece of chocolate as a reward. ????!!!! omg.
I've tried to make the chores, or getting ready for school, whatever I'm trying to get them to do, fun. That doesn't work for long. The first attempt might be a minor succes, but the next a flop. They know what I'm doing.
I've tried to just tell them, hey everybody in this house has a job. Yours is to do xyz. Yeah right mom. All I get is a fight. And I follow through, but it's a fight everytime. And when we assign a chore, I try to let them choose the chore. You can take out the trash, or you can unload half the dishwasher (for my 7 year old) He chose the trash.
I've tried telling them when they ask me for something - if you do your chore, I'll be happy to get you that juice (or what ever it is) But it's always a fight. Always a heated (attempted) negotiation.
So, any good advice in this arena would be greatly appreciated by me as well!
so... you've got nothin' either eh?
- Lindsay, Mar 29, 2010