4 Answers
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It sounds like you as parents (for parenting is a team sport) are doing the right thing. You can tell naughty behavior apart from just communicative behavior. You discuss and agree on tactics. You are firm but consistent. In my short tenure as a parent I can offer just the following, and other will offer more sage advice I am sure.
- Parenting is about growing up with your child. It's our job to create those first, safe experieces for dealing with negative feedback and reprimand. Safe means that we love the child, not the bad behavior, and help the child over time understand the difference. It sounds like you feel bad because you scolded your child after he was already upset and this made him really really upset. Everyone yells at their kids sometimes and feels bad afterwards, that is what helps us come up with better strategies. The good thing is that there are other ways to discpline than verbally scolding, and they may work better.
- There are many ways to offer feedback, and you may decide on other strategies if the scolding seems to escalate the issue too far. The first is to simply ignore the behavior and the child, the "cold shoulder" treatment. Attention can be a reward, even when it is negative, so for some things you would simply not want to acknowledge it at all. (Food throwing might not be one of those, but you could try it for a week, no harm in that) I would also consider spacing the cleaning activity from the scolding activity. I would not want to create the idea that a particular naughty action creates a scurry of activity for mommy immediately. That would be too tempting for a smart kid :)
- Something that helped me be consistent with bad behaviors is my "no, no, i mean it" rule. I will say no twice gently but firmly, and if the behavior is done the third time, I intervene and take the object away or the child away from the situation no matter what the reaction (and to be honest, lately these have been absolute meltdowns, tho short). Knowing that I followed my rule helps me deal with the reaction and keeps me consistent, plus it helps us as parents be more consistent as well.
Our pediatrician, I think, told us this about babies (and even at 15 months, it's still surprisingly true) that they are like smoke detectors. They have one kind of alarm, and they will go off as loudly and despairingly over burnt toast as they will when the house is on fire.
Patience, and a hug from the spouse will also help. Administer daily and as needed. :)
I was going to answer this but Katja's answer is perfect already!
- Stephen M., Apr 5, 2010
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As a teacher, I will thank you now for your child's teachers later in life, as they will be happy to know that you are a parent who cares enough about your child to give him boundaries.. Boundaries in life are real and needed and ultimately what guide a child towards understanding what is right and wrong- even this early in life, it makes a big difference. So pat yourself on the back for knowing that what you are doing now, though it feels lousy, is helping to create a decent, well-mannered, unselfish, and caring human being for life.
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You want to not feel bad about disciplining your child? Go hang out with some kids who have never beed disciplined! Imagine how well they are going to get along in the world when they think everything revoloves around them and they don't need to follow any rules.
I think you did GREAT with the discipline you showed your kid. Totally reasonable and age-appropriate. Good job!
Great question! See also today's related blog post - Growing Child: Remember, we've talked about this.
- andrea, Apr 9, 2010