How do I get my 4 year old and my 7 year old boys to stop fighting!?
The sibling rivalry is driving me NUTS! I'm told by our preschool director that it's a game for them, but no matter what, I can't just let them fight it out. They fight over EVERY LITTLE THING. No matter if they both have exactly the same toy, they will still fight over one. And if I can't intervene early enough they will often hurt each other. Help!
4 Answers
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We too have struggled with the constant fighting. Our two kids are just 14 months apart- a boy and a girl. It does not seem to matter what the item or issue is, they FIGHT. Right now it is mostly verbal, but in the younger years there was a lot of grabbing,wrestling and the like. The physical fighting has ended, but the verbal instigating and "normal" sibling banter is constant. They do not seem to mind- it is much more upsetting for me. Hence, I try very hard not to draw attention to it, ignore what I can and let them work it out. Most of the time, they do...or decide it is better to just walk away from each other. My daughter has a tendency to get more emotional- (which her brother loves) so we have been working with her on strategies to stay calm and not give him what he "wants" (a reaction out of her)! Each age sure has it's share of challenges!
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We haven't reached this stage yet, so I'm going to give a rather lame answer, unfortunately...
I've heard great things about this book Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too.
We own the book, but I admit I haven't read it yet. In my brief skim, it seems that evolutionarily sibling rivalry is probably a good thing, and that in practice kids can learn good things from it. But that doesn't make it less annoying or less dangerous.
Page 143 has a summary of what to do with "Level 1" (non-dangerous) fighting - namely, that the best thing for the kids might be to have the parent ignore it ;) - and "Level 2" (escalating, probably requires an adult intervention) where the authors' suggested path for intervention involves acknowledging the kids' anger and putting them on the path towards mediating their own dispute.
I'll have to add that book to my collection which already includes "Raising your Spirited Child".
Thanks!
- Lindsay, Nov 25, 2009